Woman Salad

Diets - Breeding Nutcases Since 1953!

posted on: September 05, 2016. posted in: Weight loss

[Warning: This is one of Rebelfit's famously rude rants. Yes, it is offensive. Yes, there is lots of swearing. But it is designed to draw attention to a very important point - the dangers of dieting. Please take this with a pinch of salt.]

Oh, so you don't believe diets breed nutcases?

Well if you've ever been on a diet...

Don't pretend you've not done any the following.


1. Started fearing natural foods like eggs, avocados and chicken skin, but been completely cool with eating nothing but a bowl of Special Kardboard for breakfast and lunch. And because Special Kardboard is so healthy and good for you, been completely cool with having a bowl just before bed too. "Nope, I don't touch eggs, I much prefer to scoff three bowls of K-dust a day."


2. Eaten a ryvita for a snack and tried to convince yourself and others you really like the taste. Even though deep down you feel like you're eating the dried up arse scrapings of a dried up dead goat that died in a dried up desert during a dried up drought, that have been sun dried, dried again and baked at 5000 degrees into a dried up cracker that's gone dry in your cupboards. And now your mouth.


3. Had a slimfast shake for breakfast, a slimfast shake for lunch, and 16 bags of crips, 8 chocolate bars and a loaf of bread for dinner.


4. Deliberately saved up your calories / points / syns, just to blow them on the weirdest, freakiest, most f**ked up combination of f**ked up food know to man. Like eating 3 bags of quavers, 5 flumps, a curly wurly and two options hot chocolates in one evening. But felt chuffed with yourself because you worked them into your wanky point system just perfectly.


5. Interpreted the words "free food" to mean... "f**k yeah baby, time to eat a truck load of this sh*t because it magically vaporises in my body!!" 5 mugshots later and you wonder if you should call the Guinness Book Of Records and make history with the ground rumbling, earth shuddering fart you're about to let rip from your aching, bubbling, bloated guts.


6. Gone for 5 wees, 3 sh*ts, and 2 phantom poos, giving yourself a pile the size of a small orange, in your painful and desperate attempts to squeeze out every last drop of piss / crap the hour before your weekly weigh-in. Then when you've lost a pound, limped over to share this awesome tip with other members of your slimming club, as though it's not completely f**ked up behaviour.


7. Booked in a weekly takeaway right after your weekly weigh-in, because if you're going to eat yourself into a coma, it makes complete logical sense to do it 6 days and 23 hours before your next weigh-in. Just enough time to break down and digest your starter, main, naan bread, rice, 6 popadoms, 2 onion bhajis and vegetable side, then completely starve yourself for the remainder of the week. Like some kind of slimming club version of a boa constrictor.


8. Tried Weight Watchers. Loved Weight Watchers. Hated Weight Watchers. Tried Rosemary Conley. Loved Rosemary Conley. Hated Rosemary Conley. Tried Slimfast. Loved Slimfast. Hated Slimfast. Tried SureSlim. Loved SureSlim. Hated SureSlim. Tried Slimming World. Loved Slimming World. Hated Slimming World. Then realised you're 5 stone heavier than before your first round of Weight Watchers. But still f**king gone back to them!!! 


9. Spent your 20s, 30s, 40s and now 50s, shrinking and blowing up... shrinking and blowing up... like some kind of confused puffer fish who can't decided whether to be really really small, or really really big. But ultimately chooses "bloated balloon fish" as the preferred look of choice, reminiscing the days you were a "lean sardine" and thought you were fat.


10. Arrived at the Rebelfit website and thought "Ooooo! A new diet for me to try!" Then been disappointed when you realised we actually do things properly, we take no shortcuts, and we make you work for your results.


So how many out of 10?!


[This post is not aimed at any individual members of slimming clubs. Instead it is designed to highlight the dangers of slimming companies and how they drive food addiction and obesity. If you'd like to learn more about how we can help, please feel free to email us for a non-judgemental conversation about your weight and nutrition.]

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