How Meal Replacement Companies Con You!
posted on: September 09, 2016. posted in: Weight loss
[Warning: This is another slightly rude rant, with a fair bit of toilet humour. Please look away now if you're easily offended]
We've had a comment on our recent blog post about Juice Plus...
"I get your point I really do but did you do some actual research into this? Juice plus have different plans for different achievements people wanna do. For example on a weight loss plan you replace two meals with two fruit and veg shakes and then one meal for like 6 weeks and then the other half you replace only one meal and that way you're getting your body pumped full of fruit and veg and rid of the toxins which kick starts your metabolism and helps you lose weight. Maybe if you did actual research into what juice plus is and does you'd have a valid opinion."
Hi there
Research? Done my research?!
It's funny you should ask, because only the other day I was doing lots of research into various weight loss plans, and whether REPLACING MEALS actually works.
In my quest to find the answer I did a little bit of research of my own!
I set up a very credible, very scientific research study, just like the ones Juice Plus do to try and convince people their pills are worth all that cash.
And the title of my research study?
"Can Replacing Meals With Farts Help You Lose Weight?"
Here's how it worked.
Firstly I needed some top quality farts. Not just any farts. I'm talking premium. Professional grade. With the highest concentration of fart particles to ensure maximum fat burning effect.
There was only one man I know who could help me with this...
*ring ring*
"Rajesh my man! I'd like to make an order for delivery please! I need something that's going to help me brew up a fart big enough to blow hole in my pants!"
"Don't you worry Mr Liam! I have just the thing! So that's 1 lamb bhuna, extra hot. 1 chicken vindaloo, extra extra hot. 2 onion bahjis. 1 sag aloo. No no, make that 2 sag aloo. Naan bread. Poppadom. Lime pickle, for a bit of zing. And you wash this bad boy down with nice a cold Cobra! Maybe put bottle in the freezer when you done. Come in handy later."
"Rajesh you are gentlemen!"
Later that evening I washed down the last mouthful of sag aloo, then popped the empty Cobra bottle in the freezer. Now it was just about playing the waiting game.
1 minute and 27 seconds later I found myself curled in a ball on the kitchen floor, hugging my bloated, bubbling, aching guts, begging the curry gods for mercy.
It was at this point I realised I'd made a fatal error.
What the hell was I going to collect it in?!
I look frantically around the kitchen for a vessel, but knew unleashing this beast into one of my wife's finest Mason jars would probably end in divorce.
Then suddenly I remembered...
The Cobra bottle!!!
I got it out of the freezer, pulled down my pants, bent over and held the ice cold rim to my ringpiece. 27 earth shuddering farts later, stage one of my research study was complete. I popped the cap back on the bottle, and in my hand held what I new would be weight loss revolution.
"Fart Plus - a blend of 27 farts, brewed from the highest quality ingredients."
Stage two was simple.
TO TEST IT.
I called up Jenny, a client of mine, and invited her to take part in my research study. She was delighted to have been asked, and was keen to get started straight away.
Week 1
I popped Jenny on the scales and recorded her initial weight. I then explained to her that she needed to replace two of her meals a day with a long, hard toke of Fart Plus.
Instead of her usual massive baguette, bag of crisps and chocolate bar for lunch, and instead of her enormous bowl of pasta and 3 glasses of wine for dinner, Jenny popped the cap off the Cobra bottle and inhaled the revolutionary formula.
*bleuurrggg cough gag*
"WTF is in this Liam!!! That is smelliest, stinkiest, most foul thing I've ever smelt!! It's put me right off my lunch and completely ruined my appetite!!"
"Ah Jenny, that's exactly it! Fart Plus is a unique blend of 27 different farts, now proven to suppress your appetite!"
A great result for my research study :)
Week 2
After a week of replacing her lunch and dinner with Fart Plus, it was time to re-measure her weight and see if there was any progress.
"Bloody hell Liam!! I've only gone and lost 6 lbs!!!"
"Ah Jenny, that's exactly it! Fart Plus is a potent metabolic stimulant, now proven to increase the fat burning effect!"
So another great result for my research study :)
Week 3
Jenny lost another 4lbs, and couldn't believe the results of Fart Plus. She now had friends queuing up to try this amazing new product. She explained...
"Well Claire, it's really simple. All you have to do is replace your lunch and dinner with a long, hard toke of this amazing, research proven formula, and the weight just falls off! The combination of 27 proprietary blend farts suppresses your appetite and eradicates toxins from your body, boosting your metabolism and the fat burning effect!"
Claire was sold!!
She purchased a fresh bottle of Fart Plus, then started the process of replacing her lunch and dinner with it. And needless to say... the weight fell off!!
Week 4 onwards
Jenny and Claire were now hounding all their friends to sell them Fart Plus. They even added people they didn't know on Facebook as friends, just to hook them in.
Their friend Becky, however, wasn't convinced.
"Jenny, Claire, you do realise that you're just sniffing f**king farts?? And that the only you're losing weight is because you're not eating your massive f**king baguette, bag of crisps and chocolate bar for lunch, and your enormous bowl of pasta and 3 glasses of wine for dinner? You could replace those foods with anything that's less calories, and you'll lose weight. Maybe try fresh air. It will save you all that coughing and gagging!"
Claire was offended.
"I get your point I really do but did you do some actual research into this? Fart Plus have different plans for different achievements people wanna do. For example on a weight loss plan you replace two meals with Fart Plus and then one meal for like 6 weeks and then the other half you replace only one meal and that way you're getting your body pumped full of premium quality farts to get rid of the toxins which kick starts your metabolism and helps you lose weight. Maybe if you did actual research into what Fart Plus is and does you'd have a valid opinion."
Yeah.
Okkaaaay.
Liam
p.s. As always rebels, if you get it, please SHARE IT! :)
