If All Your Diets Were Relationships!
posted on: September 10, 2016. posted in: Weight loss
[Warning: This is a long post, please stick with it, it's worth it!]
*ring ring, ring ring*
"Hello, Jenny speaking..."
"Hey Jenny, it's Claire! Just calling for a quick catch up!"
"Claire! So lovely to hear from you!"
"How's it going?! Haven't spoken to you for aaages!! Last thing I heard you were dating a new man... Tell me more!"
"OMG Claire! Life is so good right now! I've met this new guy and he is amazing. Been dating him for 6 months and he's the best, think I might marry him!"
"Aww Jenny, that's great! What's his name?!"
"Mr Weight Watchers. He's an accountant. Really smart, great with numbers. A little bit tight sometimes, but I can forgive him for that! I don't think I'll ever leave him, ever! He's the one!"
____________
6 months later.
*ring ring, ring ring*
"Hello, Jenny speaking..."
"Jenny, it's Claire! How's things! How's life with Mr. Weight Watchers? Still buzzing with excitement?!"
"Oh him. Turned out he's a boring bastard! And completely fake too! All points and no substance!"
"Really?! That's such a shame!"
"I know! It all started so well, but after a year I just started to resent him. He made me count bloody everything and life just got dull! There's no way I could spend the rest of my life with someone like that... So I dumped him."
"Aww Jenny, so sorry to hear that..."
"Don't worry Claire, I've found myself a new man! And he's way more fun! It's all about Mr Slim Fast now!"
"Mr Slim Fast? He sounds hot!!"
"Yup!! He's a real hunk! And best of all he doesn't make me count anything! I just see him once at breakfast, once at lunch, then I do my own thing in the evening!"
"Oooo, he sounds great!"
"I know! I think he's the one Claire, I really do! I know I said that about Mr Weight Watchers, but this one is different..."
____________
2 weeks later.
*ring ring, ring ring*
"Mr Slim Fast, if that's you leave me alone!"
"Oh hi Jenny, it's Claire... what's going on?!"
"Oh God, I thought you were that bloody Mr Slim Fast. He got so controlling after about two weeks, so I had to ditch him. Every bloody breakfast, every bloody lunch, he insisted on seeing me. I just needed a bit of space, but he kept saying things would only work if we met up every breakfast and every lunch."
"Oh no, that's a shame. So you're single now?"
"Well, I've got a confession to make... Remember Mr Weight Watchers? Maybe he wasn't so bad after all!"
"Jenny, you little minx! You're back with him?!"
"Yes! I'm going to give him another go. After 2 weeks of Mr Slim Fast, I'm more than happy to put up with all his counting. He may be boring, but at least he gives me a bit of freedom!"
____________
1 year later.
*ring ring, ring ring*
"Hello, Jenny speaking!"
"Hey Jenny it's Claire! So sorry I've not been in touch!"
"Claire! I'm so please to hear from you! Especially as me and Mr Weight Watchers broke up... again..."
"Not again??!"
"Yeah. It all started fine, I got back into counting. It felt good to be back in control. Then I realised I was right the first time. He was fake, boring and if I'm completely honest... I couldn't stop cheating on him."
"Cheating on him?"
"Every night."
"Every night?!"
"And weekends...."
"Bloody hell Jenny!!"
"I know I know. He was so f**king boring I couldn't help myself! So he had to go. Anyway, there's this really hot guy I'm going on a date with this Monday. It's going to be a completely fresh start! I'm so excited!"
"Ooo I'm excited too! What's his name??"
"Mr Lighter Life! I just hope he's the one!!"
____________
4 months later.
*ring ring, ring ring*
"What? F**k off."
"Hi Jenny, it's Claire! You sound grumpy!"
"Urgh. I'm tired and bored and fed up. I don't think I've ever been this miserable in my whole life...."
"Oh no, I thought you were dating Mr Lighter Life? The super hot new guy?!"
"Yeah well. Remember Mr Slim Fast? You know, the guy who wanted to see me for breakfast and lunch, every single day?"
"Oh yeah, the really controlling one...."
"Well this guy wants dinner too. Can you believe that? He wants to see me three times a day, every day, and I'm not allowed to see anyone else. Even on weekends. No family, no friends. He's like the most controlling f**ker I've ever met!"
"That's not good Jenny! You need to dump him!!"
"I know I know. It's just that my arse is the smallest it's ever been. Sure he's a controlling bastard, but he does have his perks."
"Not if you've not got a life Jenny!!"
____________
2 years later.
*ring ring, ring ring*
"Hi, Jenny speaking."
"Jenny it's Claire, calling for a catch up!"
"Oh my God, Claire. You're not going to believe it..."
"Believe what?"
"Well remember you told me to dump Mr Lighter Life for being a controlling bastard?"
"Yes, I hope you did?!"
"I did dump him. And then I got back with him. And then I dumped him again. And then got back with him. I did this about 10 times over the course of 2 years."
"Oh no Jenny!"
"I know. The break ups were epic. And every time we did break up I'd go out and sleep with anyone I could pounce on. But every time I did I felt so guilty that I went running back to Mr Lighter Life."
"Jenny that does not sound healthy!"
"I know, I know. I just couldn't help myself. But I'm done with him now. He left me completely depressed and miserable. No wonder I cheated on him!"
"Maybe you should take a break from dating Jenny. You're not having much luck with all these assholes!"
"It's ok, I've found the one now."
"Jenny!! You said that about the last three!!!"
"Yes, but this one is really the one, I promise!"
"Ok, so who is it this time?"
"Mr Slimming World! He's charming. Gives me loads of free things. And best of all he lets me sleep with other men, as long as I count them as my 'syns'. I'm allowed a certain number of syns a week, so I don't feel controlled like I did with all the others."
"Sounds a bit f**ked up if you ask me Jenny!"
"F**k off, he's perfect. And I love him!! I'm going to be with him forever and ever!"
"Oh gawd. Let's see if it lasts eh..."
____________
1 year later.
*ring ring, ring ring*
"Hello, Jenny speaking."
"Jenny, it's Claire... calling for the goss!"
"Oh God. I was hoping you wouldn't call."
"Really?! Why?!"
"Well remember Mr Slimming World? The perfect guy who gave me loads of free things? And let me cheat on him with 'syns'? The one who I thought I'd be with forever and ever?"
"Oh yeah, I never liked him... He sounded weird..."
"Well it turned out he was worse than the rest..."
"I bloody knew it!! Tell me everything!"
"He lied Claire. He lied. He made me believe that cheating on him every day was ok. But then I spoke to my friends in good, honest relationships and they said that it just wasn't not normal. I mean, it's hardly the foundation for a solid relationship is it? Being able to cheat with 'syns' every day."
"I know Jenny. I did try to warn you. It's as if he was happy to let you cheat on him, just to keep you in the relationship."
"I can't believe I fell for yet another asshole. So I'm giving up with relationships, and sticking to flings now!"
"Flings! Come on Jenny, you just need to find a good man!"
"I will. Right after I've tried Mr Clean 9!"
____________
9 days later.
*ring ring, ring ring*
"Hello, Jenny here!"
"Hey Jenny it's Claire! How's Mr Clean 9!"
"He's gone."
"Gone??? What do you mean gone??"
"Erm... he's not really relationship material..."
"You mean..."
"Yup, he's a gigolo. I could only afford him for 9 days."
"Bloody hell Jenny!!"
"Tell me about it. It was an amazing 9 days, but now he's gone and I'm all on my own again. I'm so depressed."
"Jenny, can I be honest with you?"
"Go for it... I need to hear it!"
"You jump from man to man, and you always seem to go for complete assholes. Guys who seem amazing at first, but always end up either
Boring you, like Mr Weight Watchers.
Controlling you, like Mr Slim Fast & Mr Lighter Life.
Letting you cheat on them, like Mr Slimming Word.
Or taking your f**king money, like Mr Clean 9!!
What if I told you there's a decent, honest bloke out there, who is fun, intelligent and actually worth settling down with. Someone who won't bore you, won't control you, won't let you cheat, and won't just take your money and run. Someone you can actually build a fun, healthy and lasting relationship with."
"Yeah yeah, as if he really exists Claire!"
"Oh he exists alright Jenny....
He's called...
Mr Fitness!!"
Liam
p.s. So have many "relationships" have you tried?!
