How The Food Industry Lied To You!

posted on: February 13, 2017. posted in: Nutrition

"Muahahaaa.... Muahahahaaaa..."

"Hey, whatcha doing there?"

"Oh... errr... nothing...."

"Hmmm... you're doing one of those really evil laughs like they do on TV... you must be up to something!"

"Ok ok... can you keep a secret?" 

*looks left. looks right*

"Yes of course, tell me!"

"Well I've been thinking. Real food... natural food... like meat, fish, eggs, veg, fruits, nuts and seeds... it's really expensive to PRODUCE and STORE because it goes off really quickly..."

"Tell me about it. My fruit bowl looks like an allotment there's so much rotting fruit in there!"

"Exactly! But do you know why it rots?"

"Erm, no... not really."

"It rots because it's NUTRITIOUS! The microbes in the air need their nutrition too. So when they land on your natural, nutritious fruit, they eat it, causing it to rot."

"You mean my rotting fruit bowl is like that, because the bugs in the air beat me to it?!"

"Spot on! They ate it before you did! And this is where my cunning plan comes in... How do we stop food rotting so quickly?"

"Hmm, ok. Let me think about this. If natural, nutritious food rots because the bugs eat it before we do, maybe we need to make it LESS NUTRITIOUS?!"

"Bingo!! We can increase the shelf-life of foods, meaning we can produce more and sell more, simply by making food less nutritious, so the bugs don't want to eat it..."

"But how do you make it less nutritious??"

"Aha! That's the ingenious bit! What is the most important element of nutrition? What is the one nutrient that we all know is the key to natural life, and all life on this planet?"

"Erm, is it water??"

"You got it!! WATER! Where there is water, there is nutrition. Where there is nutrition there are microbes. Where there are microbes... FOODS ROT."

"You are a smart mother humper! So you're saying, that if we remove all the water from food, we can make it less nutritious and therefore less likely to rot?"

"Genius, isn't it?! Take out all the water, and you destroy the nutritional value of the food. The drying process eliminates many of the natural vitamins, minerals and goodies. The exact goodies that make natural foods so attractive to microbes!"

"OMG! I see! So if we take natural food... then cook, bake, and cremate the absolute hell out of it, until there's no natural nutrition left, it will sit on the shelves for weeks... months... maybe even years... without ever rotting?"

"Exactly! The microbes won't want to touch it, because there's no nutrition in it! Just as they wouldn't eat rocks or bricks or sawdust, they wouldn't eat our dry, processed, everlasting food!"

"Ok, but hang on. If the food is completely devoid of nutrition, to the point where the microbes dodge it... Surely that means it's no good for human consumption? Where do our customers get their vitamins and minerals, if there's nothing left after drying??"

"They don't, silly! And that's my super genius idea!! We put labels on our beige, brown, dry, cruddy, nutritionally devoid food, that tell people it's HEALTHY! And packed with vitamins and minerals!!"

"But it's not packed with vitamins and minerals?? We've destroyed them all in the drying process?"

"Never mind that. We can spray them on, so that we comply with international food laws. It's called 'food fortification' and it basically means we can sell any old crap as long as it has been sprayed with vitamins!"

"Clever! Very clever!! So we sell them cheap, nutritionally devoid, everlasting food, disguised as healthy food! And because it's beige and brown and dust like, we can wrap it in colourful, healthy looking packaging to trick their brains into thinking it's natural!"

"Yeah baby!!"

"But what about the REAL FOODS? The meat, fish, eggs, veg, fruit and nuts? Surely people will just keep eating those?"

"No no no. You see, I've got an idea! We convince people that real foods are BAD for them, and UNHEALTHY. We tell them that the fat in meat and eggs blocks their arteries. We tell them that the sugar in fruit causes diabetes. We tell them that the pesticides on vegetables are poisonous. And we tell them that the calories in nuts will make them fat."

"Wow!! So teach people to start fearing REAL FOOD, thinking that it's really bad for them... All the while we're using our advertising and packaging to brainwash them into believing that eating dry, beige, dead food is HEALTHY!"

*starts singing and dancing*

"We're gonna be rolling in it... Rolling in it ba-by!! Show me the money... Show me the money ho-ney!!"

*more singing and dancing*

"So anyway, if you're going to be my new business partner, you better tell me your name?!"

"Me? My name is Mr Kelloggs. You?"

"Nice to meet you. My name is Mr Nestle."

"Well sir, shall we go and brainwash a whole generation of people into believing our fake, beige, processed, everlasting food is healthy? And that real food is dangerous?!"




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