Aubergine

Stop Blaming Fruit For Making You Fat!

posted on: January 26, 2017. posted in: Weight loss, Nutrition

I get asked about fruit a lot. 

And with the press going mad about our SUGAR and FRUCTOSE intake, as well as the clean eating brigade telling us "sugar is poison!", it's no surprise that many people are starting to worry about their fruit intake.

People join our missions and are encouraged to swap their mid-morning mugshot for a banana, or their evening "treat tray" for some fresh kiwi and pineapple, and suddenly they're in a state of panic.

"Oh God Liam! I'm worried I'm overdosing on fructose!"

Well, here's what I tell them... and here's what you need to do... if you hear yourself blaming bananas or apples or strawberries for your excess flab.

STEP 1.

You need to go out and buy a nice, large, LONG aubergine.

Just like the one pictured in this post.

(believe it or not, the glorious aubergine is actually a fruit, which is why I have chosen it for this particular task)

STEP 2.

Next, I need you to grab the aubergine firmly in your strongest hand (right if you're right-handed, left if you're left-handed)...

Holding it at arms length from your body.

The further away you can hold it, the better.

STEP 3.

Pull the aubergine swiftly and firmly towards your face, slapping yourself repeatedly on the nose whilst saying the words...

Fresh fruit... *smack* 
doesn't... *smack*
make... *smack*
you...*smack*
fat!!!... *smack*
binging... *smack*
on... *smack*
junk... *smack* 
makes... *smack*
you... *smack*
fat!!! *SMACK*

Now just to prepare you, your nose is going to zing a bit.

But hopefully the power of an aubergine smacking you on the schneb will have knocked some COMMON SENSE into you.

Every time you worry that having one too many blueberries is the reason you're morbidly obese... or that overdoing the satsumas is the reason you're a size 22...

Repeat the above.

And of course, feel free to alternate with other fruits and other methods of knocking some sense into yourself.

Some examples.

- stabbing yourself in the eye with a banana

- cracking yourself round the head with a melon

- ramming a pineapple firmly up your bottom

- squeezing a fresh lemon onto your eyeballs

When I have my doubts about fresh fruit, I personally like to pop a large, prickly cactus fruit down my y-fronts then do 10 very slow, very deep squats.

As the spines penetrate my scrotum and tears of agony stream down my face, a little part of brain kicks in and says...

"Processed f**king sugar is the problem, not NATURAL F**KING SUGAR!!"

Ahhh. That's better.

Anyone got any tweezers? 😳


Liam

p.s. Please share with any other fruit doubters out there! Trust me when I say, fresh fruit (natural sugars) are not the problem here. Processed fruit juices and refined sugars are what you need to be moderating.

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